i'm a big fan of fake it til you make it

why would you give that much of yourself?
going to see a man about some pills. soon. later. sooner rather than later.

i want to bathe in it. i want my lips to bleed with it. i want my veins to empty and refill with it. i think i could survive on it. like a vampire. love would be my only sustenance.

someday i will close my eyes and not see you on my lids. someday i will open them and i won't be disappointed when i don't see your face.

i think about it all the time.

the thing mme shows said was spectacular :DDD

les autres filles qui disent avec celui, elles ne voulent dire pas cela qu'elles disent.
je ne suis pas celle pour toi, je sais. je ne suis pas que tu as pensé.
mais--!
ils ont pas idée;
et comme chaque mot je parle tu es de moins en moins mon garçon.
il y a une grande quantité que tu ne sais pas.
(ainsi ne dis pas que tu sais, ne dis pas que tu sais!
je n'aurai pas ta mensonge sur mes mains.)
y-a-t'il rien que tu n'as perdu?
mais moi, la dauphine du territoire que tu as pris--
ma coeur! très seduisant, très vide--
je ne sais pas la moitie de ce que, j'assume.
que mes baisers deviennent les mots d'amour que je ne te dis pas:
nous embrasserons de nouveau et de nouveau et de nouveau.
et tu sais, cela m'a choqué en amour,
quelque chose comme un millier de volts.
Ce n'est pas poesie.
C'est un priere.
Ne fais pas cette erreur.
(Mais je fais ces erreurs de nouveau et de nouveau et de nouveau...)

text dump.

see SHE wears a lot of black and white
equates love to beauty
day to night
SHE takes what SHE thinks SHE needs,
ignores what SHE needs for weeks
SHE threw the word Neglect
to the wind!--
left it for recklessness.

SHE knows where the line is
and SHE
knows how to cross without getting caught
WAKE UP.
are you breathing?

don't be so unkind:
I recall you told me forever,
above all.
Above all,
we touch like ghosts do
evening lights on morning dew
give it up before HE gets your goat
(live it up live it up give IT up).

my hands cartwheel
and pinwheel
across my chair
flowers in your hair
scuttle into your lair
you dip your finger in
and give
me what you can't afford to.
hide my hands
and leave
me to my own devices
you have left me for empty
left me on empty
who will be your next willing husk?
HUSH,
my predeliction for prediction has thrown everyone off.
you are too per-per-perfect.

you are such a smooth talker
snakes in yr mouth
and mirrors
on yr tongue
i am less than a gentleman,
you said
(you didn't look at me but i knew,
anyway),
but more than yr hypocrisy.

i'm always so scared my password won't work

oh, this is the end.
oh, this is the beginning
empty empty me
poor little rich girl
hair in her eyess and
empty empty tragedy
in her hands
life is what you make of it
(if life is what you make of it
then how do you make it?)
i am so decisive without you.
i am so emptyempty without you
do you fal asleep at home and wish i was there?
because i fall asleep alone and wish that you cared.
do you wake up cold?
do you wake up?
my atoms quake and shiver around you,
buzzing for contact that will inevitably
break
me
in two, into a million tiny pieces
oh! how I wish you weren't kidding
how i wish i were brave,
maybe i could tell you how the sky matches your eyes
(clear and bright and blue and heartbreaking)
i could grab your hand and kep it close
our atoms could quake and shiver together
i had you. how did I keep you? when did I lose you?
canikissyoucanitouchyoucaniholdyoucanikeepyoucanitellyou
houston, we have a problem.

this tastes so different from what i remember, secrets melting on my tongue and words rising from my stomach in little churning waves like bile. you should know i never expect this to work. you should know that i'd rather offer my own empty words than watch you hunt desperately for yours (are they under my bed, are they in with my skinmags, did i leave them in the car) but i can't dig any up for you--maybe if you'd let me find some real ones, some consolation, some purchase on this steep steady slope i could--



everything i do is empty.

so won't you help a brother out out out out out

i cannot wash you away from me
you will not slough off of my skin
you will not touch me again

so give me a rainstorm
and give me snow
go have a heart attack
don't let me know

kyrie kyrie kyrie

my name is unwhole
my name is heartbreak
my name is something close to rocks on your windshield
it's clear the crash wasn't your fault

hey! do you remember when you cracked the glass?
your hand hit and kept going
your hand hit (an open wound)

emphasis
em-pha-sis
how does your garden grow?
with lies and false enthusiasm and intonation

my stomach churns when i see you
my eyes burn when i see you
my fists curl when i need you

feels like i gave you my spine mr. unwhole and mrs. unholy
empty empty bottles
empty pretty words
give me more more more
i can smell you everywhere i go
i can taste you when i close my eyes
if you asked, the answer would probably be yes


don't you dare ask

I ONLY NEED MYSELF.


I am less alone than I was before.

metacognition gets me hot and then leaves me cold

the average speed of an ejaculation is 28mph.

your little deaths are empty wins and heavy losses
goals to reach before you die
a list
and when you pride yourself on extreme adjustment
the change needed to become anything at all
it's what you make versus what you leave
how do you leave it behind?
when is enough not enough?

there are tiny screams that say youll leave me behind
when all that's left of you is Xs and Os, i will be long gone
and i will ask the world to be quiet with a finger to my lips
i will need time to think about your hand against my forehead
hot like a fever
when one's faults outweigh one's defenses,
what's left?
where am i supposed to go from here?
this empty space ive discovered and kept for my own

and when you pride yourself on extreme adjustment
the change needed to become anything at all
it's how you leave versus what you made
when did you have the chance?
you simply can't avoid it.

and we ran forever
arm in arm
demanding the world bend around us
shaping it to our specifications
and leaving what we didn't want behind
it was a victory everyone regretted
i was at once whole and discordant again
in his arms
in yours
the cold chafing my arms and the love keeping me warm

and this overwhelming pride in your adjustment
in the changes you made to become something else
showed me how you made it and what you left
and that you didn't have a choice
it was gone somewhere around "one day"

when you blink and suddenly the world has changed and you are grown
we'll run arm in arm
just like we did
and the world will whisper,
dance with us
as we jump into our own heads
our convoluted and seperate futures