i will stay as i am
until you don't tell me not to
anymore.


and then,
i will blossom
one hundred eyes blinking at me from across the room
uncross my eyes
and tell me you were only kidding.

this feels like a memory
this feels like a fire
this feels like having to stop
so I can slam my eyes shut and cover my ears
against the screaming in my head.
this feels like a glancing touch to the arm
this is nothing but my own fault

i can recognize this.
and we can kiss
quietly in the hall

even though it isn't what i really want at all.

and me and fantastic mr. fox,
we'll walk
hand in hand
arm in arm
tooth and nail
he'll remind me that all of my metaphors come from fairy tales.
he'll overbalance because he lost his tail
and we'll laugh

because it's laugh or break down.

and you see it's coming back full circle
dust to dust to roses
young to archaic to new again
because it's really all i'm good at.

i remember,
this one time
when he said i reminded him of himself
i remember this one time when i could pretend things were ever simple.
i remember this one time when i taught myself to pretend.
back before i should have been pretending
back when my nights were spent sleepless but making no excuse
i could tell myself that i was just one more chapter away from sleep.

this feels like a eulogy
but it sings like a prayer.
in my head it's a prayer
and i can see it in the bottom of an empty circle
an empty cyllinder
all i have nowadays are my pen and myself.
my pen and my self
my-self.