i'm always so scared my password won't work

oh, this is the end.
oh, this is the beginning
empty empty me
poor little rich girl
hair in her eyess and
empty empty tragedy
in her hands
life is what you make of it
(if life is what you make of it
then how do you make it?)
i am so decisive without you.
i am so emptyempty without you
do you fal asleep at home and wish i was there?
because i fall asleep alone and wish that you cared.
do you wake up cold?
do you wake up?
my atoms quake and shiver around you,
buzzing for contact that will inevitably
break
me
in two, into a million tiny pieces
oh! how I wish you weren't kidding
how i wish i were brave,
maybe i could tell you how the sky matches your eyes
(clear and bright and blue and heartbreaking)
i could grab your hand and kep it close
our atoms could quake and shiver together
i had you. how did I keep you? when did I lose you?
canikissyoucanitouchyoucaniholdyoucanikeepyoucanitellyou
houston, we have a problem.

this tastes so different from what i remember, secrets melting on my tongue and words rising from my stomach in little churning waves like bile. you should know i never expect this to work. you should know that i'd rather offer my own empty words than watch you hunt desperately for yours (are they under my bed, are they in with my skinmags, did i leave them in the car) but i can't dig any up for you--maybe if you'd let me find some real ones, some consolation, some purchase on this steep steady slope i could--



everything i do is empty.

so won't you help a brother out out out out out

i cannot wash you away from me
you will not slough off of my skin
you will not touch me again

so give me a rainstorm
and give me snow
go have a heart attack
don't let me know

kyrie kyrie kyrie

my name is unwhole
my name is heartbreak
my name is something close to rocks on your windshield
it's clear the crash wasn't your fault

hey! do you remember when you cracked the glass?
your hand hit and kept going
your hand hit (an open wound)

emphasis
em-pha-sis
how does your garden grow?
with lies and false enthusiasm and intonation

my stomach churns when i see you
my eyes burn when i see you
my fists curl when i need you

feels like i gave you my spine mr. unwhole and mrs. unholy
empty empty bottles
empty pretty words
give me more more more
i can smell you everywhere i go
i can taste you when i close my eyes
if you asked, the answer would probably be yes


don't you dare ask

I ONLY NEED MYSELF.


I am less alone than I was before.

metacognition gets me hot and then leaves me cold

the average speed of an ejaculation is 28mph.

your little deaths are empty wins and heavy losses
goals to reach before you die
a list
and when you pride yourself on extreme adjustment
the change needed to become anything at all
it's what you make versus what you leave
how do you leave it behind?
when is enough not enough?

there are tiny screams that say youll leave me behind
when all that's left of you is Xs and Os, i will be long gone
and i will ask the world to be quiet with a finger to my lips
i will need time to think about your hand against my forehead
hot like a fever
when one's faults outweigh one's defenses,
what's left?
where am i supposed to go from here?
this empty space ive discovered and kept for my own

and when you pride yourself on extreme adjustment
the change needed to become anything at all
it's how you leave versus what you made
when did you have the chance?
you simply can't avoid it.

and we ran forever
arm in arm
demanding the world bend around us
shaping it to our specifications
and leaving what we didn't want behind
it was a victory everyone regretted
i was at once whole and discordant again
in his arms
in yours
the cold chafing my arms and the love keeping me warm

and this overwhelming pride in your adjustment
in the changes you made to become something else
showed me how you made it and what you left
and that you didn't have a choice
it was gone somewhere around "one day"

when you blink and suddenly the world has changed and you are grown
we'll run arm in arm
just like we did
and the world will whisper,
dance with us
as we jump into our own heads
our convoluted and seperate futures

and i am telling you we have not been here before

If only you would move

you've left your mark

hit the target

just like you do every time

you are hopeful and sweet,

face turned up toward the light

running from you
i am running away
running down the page but
ive been waiting for months
praying for years
filling my lungs and
puffing smoke away from me
dragging my feet along the ground

i could eat your heart (out) over and over again but i wouldn't ever get full never ever


shut the door
drag the well
fill the lake
I AM READY WHEN YOU ARE
ready to jump to scream to fall ready for anything with you
i think youre ready.
i know you arent ready.

this is your future served on a platter (here it is here it is)
preventing you from touching me
too strong it's too strong and it is holding you back
stop talking with your mouth
(full
stop) breathing when your mouths
(full
stop)
take a swig and
jump off the bridge and
knock you out
knock you down
pin it back
take you now

i wrote this half asleep and it is nowhere near as good as you deserve but i will never show you my top quality shit

Listening to Cho Cho San

Fall in love all over again.



Pinkerton is the best frigging album ever.